


The Best I never Had

by SaraHudson112



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Stormpilot - Fandom
Genre: BecauseIneedIt, FluffAllAround, LoveAndFluffAndSongsAndLove, M/M, STORMPILOTRULES, StormpilotFeelings, YesIHaveAProblem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 18:26:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5938495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraHudson112/pseuds/SaraHudson112
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poe is restraining his feelings since Finn woke up, but that particular night he just couldn't sing without showing so much of him, because Finn was the best he never had. </p><p>From a petition on Tumblr based on Oscar Isaac's great skills on music.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Best I never Had

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to take a moment to apologize myself because I'm not northamerican so my english isn't so good and I had no beta and all mistakes are mine. Though I hope you enjoy it.

It’s been hard for everyone to set their pace after the whole thing with the First Order. Needless to say that no one was prepared to say their goodbyes to their fallen brothers, but they have to.  
There was a ceremony in which the pilots left flowers at the memorial that General Organa built for honor the people who died during the battle. Hard days were still around them, and maybe the worst is ahead and not in the past. Everyone knew that the battle just begun and even if first victory was on their side, doesn't feel like a victory at all. Even General Organa has said so.  
By that time Rey had left the base to go with Chewbacca and R2 to finally reach Luke Skywalker in his exile place. Poe met Rey in the infirmary, standing by the side of Finn, watching him rest with all the machines connected to his body. They chatted for a while, trying to match their histories and get to know each other. The only thing that linked them was Finn and both were concerned about his health and his recovery.  
But sooner than later Rey had to say goodbye and leave to Poe the care of his friend. Hopefully when she gets back he'll be awake, healed and sane and ready to be trained by master Luke.   
The time went by and Poe wondered himself if he truly believed that Finn would be awake anytime soon. He visited the man in the infirmary several times during the week, and every time he was there, he wanted him to wake up, just to hug him and tell him that they had won the battle, that they were alive. He never had felt frustrated for something in his life till that time.  
He hated Kylo Ren, not for what he did to him, but for what he did to Finn.  
That day at the infirmary when he was just at the point to asking for Finn's health and his recovery, the doctor told him that he was already awake, a little bit confused and dizzy, but fine and sane. He almost ran till Finn’s room where he was settled to rest and eat something.  
When he made it to the room, he was breathless, excited to see his friend awake and entering there and see him try to not be desperate in his bed, his heart melted. He caught him on a hug, same hug that Finn returned with joy and excitement.  
-Man, I thought I'd be stuck here alone!  
-And I thought you'd be a vegetable for the rest of your life  
Both laughed by their bad jokes and after a moment they separated. Poe sat in a uncomfortable chair that was in the room, near to the bed.  
-How you feeling?- He asked with a slight smile on his face. Truly happy for seeing his friend awake after all that long time.  
-Hungry. Really hungry. - He answered with a hint of humor in his voice.  
-They haven't brought you any food?  
-Yeah, but I’m still hungry.  
-Calm down, maybe I could get you something. - Poe offered. He had felt the hungry that you get when you awake from a long time being asleep.  
-Nah, it’s ok. I can survive. And I prefer you staying here with me because I’m getting crazy of being here all alone.  
-Yeah, I understand you. There was a time where I was in a coma after my x-wing crashed on the base and I barely made it to here and I was hurt really bad, I spent over two weeks in the infirmary till I woke up alone with no one at my side. Several hours later General Organa came to say hi and we chatted for a while, but she had her matters and then I was stuck in bed for two more days and I almost lost my mind. Then I decided to have my ass off of here and go back to my quarters.  
-No one visited you besides the General?  
-No, but then I was informed that my squad wasn't allowed to visit me in the infirmary because I was really bad and anyways I was in a coma, the resistance was on red alarm and well, everyone was busy with their stuff.  
\- That’s shit. You know? If I had been here by that time I would had visited you even If you had been in a coma.  
-Yeah? You really?  
-Yeah, why not? That is what Friends do.  
-You’re right. That’s why Rey and I, we've been visiting you since you were here.  
-Huh? Rey and you?  
-Yes, we. Toghether some times.  
-So, you knew each other?  
-Yeah.  
Finn smiled and Poe felt that his heart melted once again. He couldn’t handle that feeling inside of him for much longer if Finn was smiling like that all the time.   
-She’s awesome. Where is she? –Suddenly it seems like Finn realized that Rey wasn’t there.  
-She… well, she left.  
\- She Left? Where? To Jakku? –The formed stormtrooper felt tons of sadness on him just for that.   
-No, no… -Poe kicked himself inside for doing that dramatic pause. –She went on a mission with Chewbacca and R2-D2 to finally find and bring back Luke Skywalker   
-Really? Wow… I thought she was going back to that stupid place. – He sighed in relief.   
-No, she’s not. She told me to take care of you till she come back and also told me you better be awake by that time or she will be kicking your ass to wake you up.   
-Knowing her, I’m sure she would do that.   
Poe cant’ really stop feeling just a Little jealous for the realtionship that Finn and Rey seems to have. She is a lovely girl, strong and a soon-to-be Jedi, and maybe more important, she is a woman. Over all the facts, that was the worst, because there’s nothing in the world he could ever do to pass over that fact.   
-So… You’re up for some card game?  
-Sure! But… what’s a card game?  
-Oh… well… Let me explain you.   
________________________  
Days later Finn was able to leave the infirmary with some help of the pilot whom took care about papers and everything. General Organa had visited Finn once and she expressed all her gratitud to him by his exceptional participation during the battle against the First Order and his braveness inside of the Star Killer base. Finn almost cried when he tried to apologize with Leia for letting Han being killed for Kylo Ren and she just hugged him and told him that it wasn't his fault at all.  
Even if Finn knowed it wasn't his fault, he felt like it was, because he was there, in front of Han Solo and Kylo Ren and he did absolutely nothing. For a moment during that, he thought that Han would be able to bring back his son into the light again, but he was wrong and he stood there when Han Solo was killed.  
Poe tried his best to distract Finn from his thoughts, talking about everything and showing him every place they were near by, in the time they were making his way to Poe’s quarters.  
-And in that way is my hangar… -Poe mark out with his left hand to the hangar.  
-Is only for you?  
-No at all, actually. Is for all my squad.  
-I keep forgetting that you’re a commander.  
-Don’t worry, sometimes I forget it too.   
Once they were in the personal quarters of Poe, Finn sighed tired. He still was recovering from his time in the infirmary and at the moment he was able to sit down in a couch, he just felt like he was ten years older, Poe headed to him and put his hand in his forehead with a worried look on his face.  
-What’s wrong? You’re feeling ok?  
-Yeah, don’t be paranoid. I'm good.  
-You sure? Wan’t something?  
-Water would be appreciated, commander. –Finn joked with a slightly smile on his lips  
-Ok, I’ll get it.  
Finn looked around the place, there was photos hanged in the walls, most of these were photos of Poe and his Friends, other pilots from the Resistance and a couple of family photos where Poe was standing by the side of a beautiful woman with black and long hair and a man just as similar as him, dressed in a jumper suit like his but different, he made it to the conclusion that it was the older uniform that pilots used back in the beginning of the rebellion.  
Poe came back with a glass of water and handed it to him.  
-Thanks.  
He just nodded and took seat in the couch in front of Finn.  
-Where I’m going to sleep? –Finn wondered as soon as he had finished his water.  
-There’s a room in here where you can sleep. I’m sure you would like something more private but we are running out of rooms in the base, so General Organa said if I could give it to you some space here.  
-No problem. I like the idea of being with someone I know and I can relate to, because I know no one in here. Just you, and Rey, but Rey ain’t here.  
-Good, wanna see it?  
-Of course.  
Poe almost had to hide his proud smile when he heard that Finn was ok at staying there. Having him near was a point to his favour.  
Things seemed to be good for him. If he couldn't just love Finn in a free form, he at least had the chance to be his friend. Even if that hurts him, it was better than nothing.  
________________________________  
Finn was new in all the things Poe tried to show him. He took him to the hangar and showed him his x-wing and explained him everything about the missions they have and told him a few histories of the time he was just a cadet on the academy and how he kind of sucks at first when he was trying to become the best pilot in the resistence. Then they headed to common areas where people of the resistance used to hang out like a dining area and other places. The base was by itself huge and Finn liked more than the fucked up base where he used to live. The First Order base was just bored, everything was exactly the same, walls of metallic and dark colors. Nothing fun, nothing different. And in the resistance base everything was just out of his mind. All the areas were at free air, sky blue, surrounded by trees and all kind of different plants.   
Finn finally felt like he was alive.  
___________________________________  
-You want to go to a party tonight?  
-Party?  
-Yeah, a party.  
Finn gave a look to Poe trying to figure it out if he was joking but after a few seconds he knew that he wasn’t joking at all.  
-Well, I don’t know. I have never been in a party before.   
-Never?  
Finn just let out an “hm-uhm” sound and pressed his lips together in a silly gesture.   
-Not even in your birthday?  
-We don’t have birthdays in the first order.  
-What?  
Poe felt concerned immediately. He had thought about that a lot recently, more precisely since Finn was with him. He knew so little about Finn and about his life with the First Order.   
-So you don’t know when you were born?  
-Nope.   
-For force sake… Well, we’re going to fix that. We just have to think in a date for your birthday and that’s it. But tonight we’re going to celebrate!  
-Good. What should I do?  
-Have fun, that’s what you have to do.  
_____________________________  
That evening Poe was in his room, getting dressed after he took a shower. It felt great having someone to talk and be with. He doesn’t feel like he is alone anymore. The only thing he was afraid of is that someone could take away Finn from his side. He pretty much knew that he loves him, is just perfect for him. But then again all that he had in his mind was worries and doubts.   
He’s 32 year senior than Finn who at that time is supposed to have 23 or something. Because in one of his talks Finn realized that the only thing he knew about his birthday was the year and that was 23 years ago.   
Well, for his own pain, he was almost ten years older than him. He’s almost a child whom have barely any idea of what the world is about.   
And then was the fact that Finn is probably in love with Rey, he doesn’t blame him, actually if he have been straight, he could probably have fallen in love with her.   
And the last of the matters is that Finn is a man. He had gotten over his own sexuality long ago, but Finn? What about him? He’s not sure if Finn could look at him like someone to love of someone to have a relationship, a romantic one.  
But he had promised himself that he wasn't going to intent nothing romantic with the guy by the fear of losing him just for his own desires. Things were cool just like that. Or that’s what he have been trying to tell himself for not breaking down on the floor and cry for the endless pain of having someone you love so near and so far at the same time.  
Just minutes after he was ready he heard a knock on his door.  
-Come in. Is open.  
Finn was at the door, looking a little bit awkward with the whole situation of going to a party with people he doesn't even know.  
-I guess I’m ready.  
-You look good.  
-Gosh… don’t even say that.  
-You’re the one using my jacket.  
-Is the only thing I feel comfort with. Don’t blame me. Also… I want to thank you for fixing it.  
-Well, thanks. But it wasn't me certainly. Was a robot. But I just give it to the droids.  
-Ok, thanks anyway…  
They stood in silence while Poe was finishing whatever he was doing.  
-So… this party… how is it?  
Poe didn’t turn his look to Finn but he begun to talk.   
-Is not a big deal. The party actually is between some of the pilots of my squad and Friends of them in a bar near the base.   
-I see…  
This time Poe throw up something in his closet and turned around with a smile.   
-Is more like some drinks with Friends than a real party. Don’t make that face.   
____________________________  
In their way to the bar Poe mentioned, they were chatting about their daily stuff on the base and at least Finn seemed to relax. He was sure Finn could be comfortable once he realized that no one really cared about his past being an stormtrooper. Everyone in the resistance knew him by his actions helping the rebelion against the First Order, and that’s all that matters.  
God, Poe knew how much he was fucked up being in love with Finn.   
It seemed like he was that cadet on the academy, when he was bad at everything and he was trying to reach his more important goal in his life. In that time he used to think he wasn’t good enough to fly or anything. But he needed to remember himself that now he was the best pilot in the resistance. Maybe there was a chance he could still reach this goal, even if it would be hard.   
-I got something for you…  
-Me? –Finn lifted his right brow for the simple fact.  
-Yeah, a gift.  
-A gift?  
Poe nodded again and tried his best for not laughing at how Finn looked at him like he just grown up a second head or something.  
-Is something small, but I thought you'd may like it.  
The pilot handed to Finn a necklace with two plaques and Finn immediately took them to see it more close. One of the plaques was printed with his name, age and some kind of number, and the other one was printed with Poe’s information.  
-This was yours?  
-Ah… yeah. Those were my first plaques when I finished the academy, one of the plaques hadn't nothing on it so I managed to get it printed with your name.  
In that moment Poe thought he really went too far with that gift and almost attempted to tell him if he didn't want it, he could understand him, but Finn put the necklace on him and pressed the plaques on his hand like the most important thing on his life.  
-Thank you… I would never know what the hell I could possibly been doing without you in mi life.   
The pilot had to restrain himself for not kissing Finn in the moment when he said that. It just felt like his life had a new purpose, and he was in the right direction. Nothing in his life compared to feeling in the way he was feeling right in that moment.   
They made it to the bar and Poe saluted almost everyone in the place, followed by Finn right behind of him. Poe intruduced Finn to all his Friends and team and even if Finn was a little nervous at first, he begun to feeling more relaxed when everyone just talked to him like and old friend from the resistance. He had never felt like that, the only one who had managed to make him feel comfortable with himself was Poe. The pilot always was there when he needed him. Even Poe had taken some kind of vacations for being able to stay with him and show him the base and let him set his own rithym with his new life.   
And maybe he knew nothing about the world and feelings. But he pretty much knew what he felt when Poe hugged him, back when he was in the infirmary, and how he feels when Poe looks at him, smiling and joking. And how he felt when Poe gave him those plaques with both names on it.   
He maybe had no idea of how to deal with his feelings, but he doesn’t complain on having them. Loving Poe is the only thing that give sense to his broken life.  
Some drinks came and Finn tried his best to not throw up the drink when he tasted it once. Poe could do nothing but laugh, then he encouraged the man to keep drinking until he finally found it good or really bad to never drink it again.  
Finn was capable to drink all of it, but he was sure that he doesn’t want another.  
The place was surrounded by music of different kinds, soft yellow and blue lights and people talking with others while they were drinking something with a random color on it. He wasn’t bored even if Poe was talking with his Friends, he wasn't that interesting as Poe and he knew it, but the fact of being there, watching persons talk friendly, was far better than being stuck on training or recondition with other stormtroopers.  
-How you feeling? –Poe took seat at his side, enjoying the moment.  
-Good.  
-Good, like… bored?  
-No, of course not. I just feel like I have nothing to talk about.  
-Come on… You’re kind of a heroe here, you can talk about whatever you want…  
Finn was cut for the voice of some man standing at the other corner of the bar, holding a guitar on his hands. He had seen one like that in Poe’s room and barely got the idea of what it was for when he asked Poe.  
-Poe! Come on here, you need to play at least something.  
The man said, and Poe only made an akward gesture and smiled.   
-You sing? –Fin asked and Poe nodded more or least.  
-I guess so.  
-How is that you guess?  
-Come on, commander!  
Everyone in the bar begun to clap, claiming for Poe to take the guitar and sing something. It wasn’t a secret that their commander was a good singer and one of his favorites hobbies was play guitar when there was no mission ahead.  
-Do it. –Finn cheer up Poe and the pilot smiled wide.  
-Do you want to see me sing?  
-Sure, why not? It would be awesome.  
-Ok, I will do it, but then you will have another drink with me.  
-Deal.   
Poe left his seat and headed to his friend who was standing still with the guitar in hands.   
-I hate you. –He treathened him.  
-I know, but maybe you could sing something to your new boyfriend.  
-Shut up.   
Poe almost felt his heart bumping on his chest heavily. He bit his lower lip and sat on a chair in front of everyone. The place were quiet and Finn turned all his attentions to every movement of the pilot he loved.   
-Ok… I wrote this, a long time ago… so I hope everyone enjoy it.   
He needed to take his eyes off of Finn or he wouldn’t be able to play anything, he cleared his throat and begun to play some chords, trying his best to not forget the lyric and any chord.   
And so he begun.  
-I’ve been gone for so long now…. Chasing everything that’s new.   
I have forgotten how I got here  
I have not forgotten you  
We were just children with our eyes opening  
You were all that i could see  
You came close enough to know my heart beat but  
Still not close enough for me…  
Through the good times and the bad  
You were the best I never had  
The only chance I wish I had to take  
There was no writing on the wall  
No warning signs to follow  
I know now and I just cant forget  
Youre the best I never had…

Sitting there with his guitar, playing and singing like nothing in the world mattered in that moment, the only thing he could see and think was Finn who was looking at him. Hoping that Finn would understand the way he was singing that song.  
Could be that everyone in the room knew better than Finn, that his commander was so in love with that ex stormtrooper. Even some of the girls could feel jealousy for the fact. Poe hadn't been married and his Friends only got to meet one or two girls, even later they barely knew about one guy but then he died during an attack and that was everything they knew about the romantic life of Poe Dameron. And now, watching him being so in love with that young boy, and watching how he was suffering for it, made them feel like they were failing to their commander. Because there was nothing they could do to fix it.  
Moments later Poe finished the song with a slightly smile on his face and everyone in the bar clapped for the lovely interpretation Poe made. He was a little embarrassed for the overwhelming response of his mates and Friends, and even more because Finn was smiling so wide and was staring at him.  
-That was so beautiful.   
Finn told him, taking him on a hug that came out of nowhere but Poe enjoyed as well.   
-I thought you wouldn’t like it.  
-What? It was incredible. I never knew someone who could sing like you. You were fantastic.   
They both sat next to each other, talking about nothing and about everything and taking some more drinks that this time Finn enjoyed more than the others.   
He wasn’t sure, but for some reason, that song made him feel like Poe was singing for him, and every inch of his body trembled nervous, because Poe was so amazing, and perfect, he was aware he could never be able to reach that man, not even trying hard. He gave in in that goal, Poe was off of his reach. More important, the man was an true adult who knew about the life and that had seen the world. He was the best pilot in the resistance. And Finn only was an ex stormtrooper who was lucky enought to be alive.   
_______________________________  
Poe had to take back Finn to his quarter, he was drunk at that point and they barely made it to their place without dropping on the ground.  
-Easy, man…  
He couldn't help but laugh. The way Finn just seemed to be completely drunk after a few drinks was funny to watch. Surely in the morning the man would have his first hangover and he would be there making sure he was ok during that process. That’s how much he cared about Finn.  
-Seriously, Poe Dameron… I love you… you are the only man I can look at…  
-You’re drunk, Finn… -He felt like his heart just froze at the moment he heard that confession not so confession Finn made. He doesn't need that words on his mind, making him feel like he had a hope. He just couldn't do it.  
-No, I’m not!  
-Yes, you are.  
At least he laughed. He knew what he has to do, and taking a different way far away from that man would make things easier for him.  
He carried Finn to his room and once they got there, he left the man carefully on his bed.  
-Time to get some sleep, buddy.  
-No, no, no… Poe please. Just let me… let me tell you something…  
The pilot arched a brow when Finn sat on his bed trying to tell him some weird thing he was sure.  
-Just go to sleep Finn, seriously.  
-Poe, please. I’m not drunk. Thank you for staying with me. I really… really want to tell you… you know, ok? So… thanks. Hm humm yeah…  
-What? –He had no idea what Finn was talking and took seat by his side, looking at him with a soft smile, he really wanted that man, and getting away from him only could do things worst for him, but staying there would make things wrong for both.   
-You know, I love you, so you should stay with me always. Ok?  
-Thanks, Finn, I love you too buddy, but now you need to rest.  
His heart ached when he said that, even if it was for just a second he let himself felt like everything was real.   
-I’m not kidding, y’know? Is real… I love you, you’re the only one I can trust so you must stay…  
-I will stay, don’t worry.  
-I love you… -He repeated once. –I will protect you…   
-And I will do it too.   
-You don’t believe me, don’t you?  
-You’re too drunk, and you need to sleep. I understand everything.   
Finn was stubborn being drunk, and put his hands on Poe’s shoulders slamming a weird Kiss on him and inmediatly Poe tried to back him off and by the time he managed to do it, he already was melting and his heart was pounding on his chest.   
-Stop, Finn! Damn… I… I can’t…   
-Answer me when I ask you something, Dameron.   
-Don’t do this!  
Poe lifted, walking around the room with concern and troubled, tracing his hands on his hair like the worst had just happened.  
-I will do it… when I’m not drunk I wanted to do it but I wasn’t brave enough and now everything seems like bullshit and I guess it was the right time to tell you. Is the right thing, tell you.   
Finn leaned back to the bed and closed his eyes which made Poe look at him once again.   
He fell asleep…  
-Is the right thing, Dameron… the right thing.   
He jumped on his place as Finn scared him for doing that so abruptly.  
-What the…?  
-Come on… sit here, by my side. Maybe tomorrow I won’t be able to look at you and tell you how much I love you…   
-Oh no… you really talking serious?  
-I’m serious. I swear it.   
Poe took some steps close to Finn and when finally decided to be brave he got near to the man. He was nervous. His hands trembled at the contact from Finn's hands. Perhaps it was just the alcohol which made Finn talk with so much confidence and every word he said was marked on his memory now and forever. If everything was true he could give everything he owned to be at Finn’s side, always.  
It took a moment to him to realized that if he was taking that step, there was no returning. But he decided he was going to have courage, like the time he did his first fly on his x-wing or the first time he proved to himself he could defeat the First Order, or like the time he was named commander by his new squad.  
-I love you too and I hope you truly remember tomorrow in the morning…  
-I will do it… commander, sir… whatever…  
Poe laughed nervously and inmediatly broke the space between them, pressing hi slips onto Finn’s lips. It was a soft Kiss, they recognized each other in those pair of kisses, and as Poe tryied not go further on that, his body just seemed to betray him faster than he thought. But he stopped, giving gentle kisses on the younger face, holding his hands carefully, trying to put attention to his heart and not to his pants. They broke appart minutes later and and looked at each other, and Finn did the next movment, kissing a little harder than the last time. That Kiss was different, they pressed their lips together, dancing like to older lovers. Soon Poe needed to touch more of that skin so he put a hand on Fin’s waist, pressing the t-shirt the boy had and Finn hold the man from his jacket, trying to get more close with Poe.   
All his thoughts were inmersed on deep water, floating around him as he felt how Poe cuddle him with soft and gentle hands. But then he stopped, breathing harsh same. They were laying on the bed by now and Poe seemed like he had doubt on his mind and he was afraid to ask but he did it anyway.  
-Something is wrong?  
-I… I just don’t want to take advantage from you…  
-But you’re not…  
-You’re drunk… I want to have you right, when you are sober. Is the right thing.  
-You’re right… is the right thing to do.  
They kissed again, a kind Kiss, where they put their feelings. Beyond the desire, beyond his doubts or fears.   
Poe knew better, that Finn was the best thing he never had.


End file.
